On Happiness

Despite being positive at heart and usually exuding a calm take in high-stress environments, I have never found myself satisfied.  There are still so many things I believe should be somehow better.

Over the past few months after graduation, it is interesting that the concept of "happiness" has been refined in my mind.  Innocently enough, in college and earlier, I equated happiness with any fun and happy feeling.  Later, as my life tried and reflected, happiness is the equanimity, the peace with oneself, others, and the world.  It is the reassurance feeling of one's worth and one's company of trustworthy and loving communities.  We and our loved ones may not always bring laughters to each other;  yet, we are there for each other, supporting each other on our journey of responding, sailing, fighting against, failing, and succeeding with life's calls.

At present though, I struggle with the disparity between my seemingly clear life goals and what it is that I really want.  If making impacts on high school students is one of the immediate goals, why is it that I refrain from giving my students those inspiring messages that pretty much all mentors have told me: it is for sure that we can find a job to support ourselves, yet it is our challenge to both do that and create some changes that improve the lives of a few others, if not many.


One student asked me why the way I chose my major in college has more to do with what I can do for others than what the major can offer to me.  I just gave her a smile.  Deep inside, I know I'm not doing this right.  I'll change.

Another student talked to me about wanting to create his mark in life and not standing behind others.  I supported and yet, still gave him these puzzling and melancholic thoughts on why is it that we have to race with others and how it may be just as happy and liberating to follow one's own ideals and interests, not the world's.  As we ended our conversation, I couldn't help but asking myself if I have just asked this young man to stop dreaming big and being ambitious.  Once more, I need to do this thing differently.


Another friend has money to start something.  His goal is to make money even when he's already so wealthy.  Why is it that I cannot find the courage to tell him to explore social enterprising business models, rather than just enclosing ourselves within conventional businesses?

Another friend concluded that from now to our early 30s, he wanted to provide enough for his family first, and then will contribute.  I disagreed, but did not say anything, standing with my principle of respecting others' life choices.  Why is it that I forgot to tell him about the lesson on making it a habit to give our time to others starting even when we don't have zillions yet, both because we may not survive until the day we see there is enough money, and also, if small giving is not practiced, big giving could be hard to realized, or realized yet with the risk of not understanding the people, the situations, not building new solutions.



It could be because in the environment that I'm living in, striving to make a living, or, to believe that one's life standard can be ensured, if not better than the *average *, is the common vibe.  I was afraid that if I tell my students otherwise, not that they will be called crazy by their parents, but that they will become disappointed once they enter the world.

It could be because me myself is ambivalent on how one can make real difference in this society.  If I don't see clearly how I am realizing my goals of impacts and still getting wealthy, who am I to tell my students to consider that path when there is simpler, less risky, and more approved (hence, easier) paths for them?  Being a teacher and a counselor has required me to give decisive and one-sided statements, too many to the point that I'm uncomfortable.  I could analyze different perspectives to students and parents;  yet, at the end of the day, they want a definite answer.  I did look for these definite keys from KB and KT a few years ago but at present, I feel I'm unequipped in life experiences to give the counseling.  I could give out words but I want the words to be more helpful that they are now, to be both pragmatic and idealist.

I want to share these stories with friends and yet at the same time, I'm afraid that my thoughts are irrelevant to them, most of whom at this stage of our lives (early 20s, fresh grads), want to focus on ourselves and our own careers first.  Plus, I would appear overly self-centered and self-righteous, both of which is not my real intentions.  But I never know, it could be my unconscious habits.

Being a teacher is the last thing I ever thought of.  The job just came to me exactly a few months ago.  I always loved being on stage, acting, and improvising.  I know the job is incompatible to my personality: it produces results very slowly.  And when it does, the results are only on a level of countable numbers of students.  But it should not be any more different than being a lab assistant at first working on who-knows-how-many-tedious-procedures, or being in a first-year corporate job unable to make powerful decisions.  Clearly, college didn't teach me to be patient and take a long time horizon with my career =p



One very special someone asked me why I like VN so much.  Truth be told, beside my family, there's not really anything that I prefer in VN more than in Hong Kong, Singapore, unexplored Asian cities, or California, Boston, New York, etc.  I hold different loves and could explore little corners and people in each place to enjoy myself.  What entices me to HCMC is less accurate than what motivates me: it's where I can best leverage my network and resources to build a tangible business.

Or, there's just no rational reason to my motivation...  since it just feels right that I'm here at this moment (ie. this year) - it's like when we are with the right person, we wouldn't ask why we don't choose to go with others, even when everyone's equally nice :)

New Year Parties 2010

I hung out with so many different individuals these days.

1. That party was .. new lol My college friends never drink to show off.  They drink and drink.  The point is to have fun and chill.  This group of friends also drink to have fun but also, to a certain extent, to show off how cool they may be.  Nothing wrong.  Self-flattering is a very basic human need.

2. Expats do party hard over here.  They form a culture of "cool, fun, and well, professional" - Cool, fun, professional - huh, isn't that how I want to be too?  Am I, unconsciously, trying to integrate with them while I am, at heart, a Vietnamese?

I'm looking forward to having some in-depth conversations soon with a few of them from each group. Just to understand them, beyond the public image they form to clique with their circles in Saigon (because no doubt, Saigon's circles do not mingle - you are either this or that).  Oh yah, because you are either this or that, the hybrid me is trying my best to just... live here lol

Life outside of the office

***

I wept while catching this little boy sitting outside of my office. He begged me to buy his cakes (banh cam). I did not have money with me and so couldn't do anything. It's not about me feeling guilty or fortunate, as I had neither of those feelings. I felt mad at myself, for not working on education for these children and for not making direct impacts in their lives. Excuses keep coming up. But I had a short life expectancy for myself, what I do in my work is not as important to me as what the result of my work will do to help me and others. As I swirl through life in my current and future chapters, when I have enough money to live independently, I will do much more. For now, sorry little Tu, I have no recommendations for you for what to do.

***

It rained really hard. I asked:
- Can you really have business with this weather?
- Yeah, only the taxis can.
And he left in the rain.
(my conversation with my xe om's driver)
Oh! I just realized how much of a risk-taker I am for leaving my life to different strangers every day (i.e. taking xe om) but oh well, I guess you can say the same for taxis or any other public transport.

***

I teach English to my little nephew these days. He is smart and the joy I see in his eyes when he learns and speaks new words makes me so happy.

These days, I sometimes sleep on the same bed with my sister and my nephew (yah, 3 people). Sometimes I get so tired after work and just pass out on the bed when I enter my sister's room. The 2 poor young people don't even wanna wake me up and choose to sleep on the floor instead. I kiss them good night everyday. They are so dearingly loving of me. As I'm writing this blog, my nephew bringing me banh trung thu told me: you must eat so you won't become under/mal-nultritious :D cause you work so hard and don't eat. awww... (no worries, I eat and sleep a lot!)