Next

As I'm preparing mentally for my next chapter, I can't help but to be thankful for how lucky I have been.  From the opportunities that crossed my path to the people who are truly amazing, smart, idealistic, energetic, inspiring young people who all want to do something for others, for Vietnam.  The ride was not all that rosy - there were times that I did not think I could make it, running out of energy. 

But I'm happy to know I did not give up my conviction and dreams.  This time, I will get to live one of my childhood dreams (among many others): to live in a big city, to dance, to play piano, to read and study about children, to open my eyes to new cultures and new places.  This time again, I'm looking forward to more explorations and in the journey, becoming a person who is even more ready to take on more ambitions.

Passion and Synch

From 14 to 18, it was so special to feel that shy excitement making a duet with the guy next door amongst cheers from the karaoke crowd.  Achievements were never the aim.  Having fun and passing requirements was :) Enjoying being friends and learning from young and old teachers alike was rewarding.  The SN world was anti-competitive, anti-pressure, the lost child of the school lol

Then for the next 4 years, all they talked about was finding a purpose. Passions have to be utilitarian, even if the utility can just mean making oneself feel happy or content with 'having found one's path'.  It's better to partition oneself in a delicately balanced way, such that most highly-valued utilities can be realized. As Steve Jobs, Oprah, and many other graduation speakers have concluded, pursuing one's passions is perceived as one of the surest ways of living a meaningful life.

But then, not everything needs a purpose. Focusing on passions can be different from focusing on life.  The former can easily be an excuse for achievements. Would we trade losing the next hour planning and executing one's passion for those few minutes feeling shy or excited with friends and family, innocent, light, and pure? Would we spend the next day growing the same passions even bigger because that's the natural path the passions would lead to, or let life come in and tell you something else, in all its liberty and mystery? Either way works, hardly comparable yet both can be as satisfactory.  Yet, knowing the purpose is hardly the decision compass; synching with life may be.

It feels good to when we once felt surfing and 'synching' with life.  Recreating the experience could be almost impossible.  But we do know what we did NOT think about and what we spent our time on, because of some unknown feelings (gut/intuition).  We know what feels right, albeit no purpose, no clarity of passions.

Back

 

Back to life

For tomorrow that may never come 

For the world that falls and stands 

For romances chasing moonlights

For friends lasting through seasons 

For life and purposes 

For vast rivers, endless sky, beautiful imperfections 

It feels wonderful to be back 

Fresh and anew in joy 

:)

Power, Money, Love, Ideals, and Life frames

- You know why you should advocate for U.S. colleges over other countries? Because it's where kids can be asked to dream and have both the freedom and the social pressure to dream and pursue one's dream.

---
The Singapore and U.K. education frame students' purpose around making it to the top of the corporate ladder, and hence, valuing money.  The Australian education teaches students specific vocations, valuing stable life.  The Vietnamese education separates professors from students, which makes students have nothing more exciting to do than to bond with each other more and hence, to value love.  And here I am, indoctrinated by the habit to ask why, wonder about life's purpose, like a black sheep in these circles when talking about "dreams." 

I recently find myself at odds with the circle I'm familiar with as well.  These people I know, inspired by their U.S. education and understanding so well their own life reasons, are pursuing their dreams, ambitious, worth-pursuing.  Some others make do with what they need to live first, money and family.  Some take advantage of the time and the skills to become, step by step, more powerful.  When the pieces are arranged together, the attractive picture of various impacts and happy lives shimmers.  On the pessimistic frame, it looks as though some dreams have been left behind for new dreams and the realistic life to take the lead.  On the optimistic frame, maybe it was just a hole in the U.S. college education: one should not strive for individual impacts or for becoming heroes, because in reality, the collective impacts of a generation and how those interact with external forces of the society they live in should worth more than any particular case.

When I get depressed and put on my pessimistic frame, I could be so sarcastic of people, even though they do nothing wrong or bad, and being sarcastic of them means being sarcastic of my own self.  When I put on my optimistic frame, I have to turn off my impatient desires for answers and angst for knowing the future.  When I couldn't care more about anything and stay with my under-twenty personality, it feels like a kid, so optimistic, moving on, playing, smiling.  Sometimes, it feels sad having such a messy soul, as it makes sharing too challenging.

Mobility

(Semi-Fiction...) 

Mobility

The wind permeates her face, blowing her hair towards one direction. Usually afraid of the cold and covering herself in thick jackets, she rolls over her jacket sleeves to embody the wind. To live and embrace what she thinks is the best the city could offer: chilly wind and blue sky. But that’s about it.

In this city, black, yellow, brown, white, hippies, geeky, transsexuals, music producers, poets, all live together. One MUNI train could offer the one-color-at-a-time human chain: white enters and as white leaves, yellow and black comes in. As yellow leaves, MUNI is all black. If the train runs at 7pm, when the blue sky is substituted by somber streets with hardly any street lights, everything around her would be black. There would be voices singing raps, a young girl calling her mom for directions to get out of the train, and smirks guys exchange with each other that she never understands. The train goes from North to South and hence the order of the colors. She hopes it would be because of just her own xenophobia and the differences are just in one’s mind. Her white friends do not know this part of town exists. Her yellow friends empathize that the area is dangerous. Familiarity with the urban scene, Paris, London, Hong Kong, Saigon, New York, can’t help her avoid uneasiness.

She has friends living in the city, those from the most coveted schools in the country. They live with housemates, girlfriend and boyfriend, chasing not their dreams, but their independence and freedom.  They put up with the cold, the wind, the MUNI color changes, to join packs of others in the city. In fact, few take the MUNI at all.

All want to explore, although a few know what they are searching for. Many don’t want to miss out a once-of-a-lifetime youth to live free and lively in the city and in the Bay. Like them, she loves lounges, bars, Italian restaurants, French cafes, old bookstores, and the AT&T baseball games. She would drive down to see Halfmoon Bay and check out Monterey. The spiky dark green pine trees, lazy light green fields, heavy broad high mountains, and flashy ocean waves of the Bay never fail to let her down – like the chilly wind, it refreshes her face and her skin.

She does not really like her landlord, and rarely sees her housemate, who works for a hedge fund. She remembers that he’s really smart, the latest memory she has of him. None of her friends has a particular attachment to the city, and they still enjoy life. One occupies his thoughts in philosophy and theology, resisting to date as he would later leave for home. Another is fully consumed by work and boyfriend, living and changing life along regions in the U.S. every few months. Her sorority draw-mate can never be sure how long she can keep dating the same person. Life in the city strolls. Attachment is taboo. Exploration is important. Apathy to the MUNI is convenient and sometimes, necessary.

-        -  I’m going back to Cambodia.

-        -  What?

-        - Yeah, I can’t stand life here without family. It gets lonely. And I’m getting married.

She was shocked by his statements. 1.5 year out of school, 1 month knowing the now-fiancee. And yet, she’s happy for him.  Three years ago, the fiancee’s parents gave a profile of someone they thought would be compatible with her. She didn’t like his name and dropped the profile. Three years later, they met on their own through a mutual friend. He may have found what he’s been searching for.  Time in the city may just be necessary to run until the true treasure comes. Having the treasure refresh his soul and heart, he now could leave the chilly wind that refreshes his face and skin.

-        -  I don’t really want to stay at this consulting job but I love my community in the city.

-         - What community? – she asks for more details while enjoying her exquisite Italian crabs and clams, reaching out to her nerves, demanding them to think about “community”

-         - Yes, I counsel drug addicts every weekend. A group of us take class on psychology and counseling.

It’s odd to her that her friend who for sure goes home in 3 years makes the efforts to build a community beyond his social sphere. Why should he care about a community that in the long term, he will not really have a stake in. How many of him are there?

What does it mean to be free? Is the pursuit of freedom the same with pursuit of dreams? Is the pursuit of dreams the same with realizing, making and remaking, and living dreams every day? What does it mean to enjoy life? While knowing that figuring out the answers to these questions is the very reason why her friends and she live in the city, she knows her values are neither in independence nor exploration. She likes being well-grounded, living passionately for others and for a community she loves. In that sense, to be free is not like to be like bubbles floating and birds flying. It’s more like leaves budding high from deep roots.  When there are lots of them, shades will form. Fresh, light, green, peace. But trees can’t move.

-          

      - Yeah, I think I could be a tree to see how things have changed over time – her friend said to her.

-         - This lake is gorgeous. Maybe I could be a lake. It moves, but still attached to a certain region only. It cleanses and refreshes but not too intimidating. It runs deep. 

San Francisco

I miss Paris.

Through San Francisco. 

The subway street bands. 

The delicate buildings. 

The confusing transportation. 

The lost feeling. 

We all have many dreams. But only one dream at a time could roll live. 

We all have many edges. To protect. To take back trust. To stop mind-sharing. 

A pocket full of sunshine :)

Thanks to a friend who reminded me of how happiness stays with being true to oneself.  I thought volunteering in a new land with my crush would make me really happy.  Now when I look back, it was more the process and the people I met there that made the experience worthwhile and made it "me"; in other words, I was happy and am now happy of that experience for the very act of volunteering and venturing.  I thought exploring the world with someone special would bring me happiness.  The company matters, but it's the very fact of being able to explore and live the wonderful cities that is now kept in pieces of my heart.

~~ till that day when someone can really get my quirks and my love for ideas, people, and story-making-and-telling :)

Tonic

Cô mặc áo đỏ. Quán cũng đỏ. Ghế cũng đỏ. Cô ngồi như chìm vào.  

Nhìn ra ngoài, khách sạn Rex trắng, trắng màu vôi. Đằng xa bên phải là một dãy nhà cũ kế bên ủy ban thành phố. Nhà cũ từ xưa, có lẽ là thời Pháp. Màu tôn cũ, nâu rỉ sét, giăng đây đó mấy bộ quần áo người ta phơi đồ.  Tonic đắng. Pha muối hay chanh vào trước? 
 

Từ hướng cô, nhìn về ủy ban, mấy con chim bay loạn lạc. Bay rối rít. Nhiều lắm. Con nào cũng nhỏ. Nhưng không bay thành đàn ngay ngắn như người ta vẫn nói trong truyện về đàn én bay lượn. Tự ngẫm mấy con chim này đang bay về đâu và có biết hướng nó đang bay hay không, hay đơn thuần chỉ là đang đùa giỡn và mua vui với trời, với gió, với nhà, với Rex. Thương lắm.

Directionless searching

fwded from a friend:

A refreshing perspective from FT:

   A friend of mine recently met a young American woman who was studying on a Rhodes Scholarship at Oxford. She already had two degrees from top US universities, had worked as a lawyer and as a
social worker in the US, and somewhere along the way had acquired a black belt in kung fu. Now, however, her course at Oxford was coming to an end and she was thoroughly angst-ridden about what to do next.

   Her problem was no ordinary one.

   She couldn't decide whether she should make a lot of money as a corporate lawyer/management consultant, devote herself to charity work helping battered wives in disadvantaged Communities, or go to Hollywood to work as a stunt double in kung fu films. What most struck my friend was not the disparity of this woman's choices, but the earnestness and bad grace with which she ruminated on them. It was almost as though she begrudged her own talents, Opportunities and freedom - as though the world had treated her unkindly by forcing her to make such a hard choice.

   Her case is symptomatic of our times. In recent years, there has
grown up a culture of discontent among the highly educated young
something that seems to flare up, especially, when people reach their
late 20s and early 30s. It arises not from frustration caused by lack
of opportunity, as may have been true in the past, but from an excess
of possibilities.

    Most theories of adult developmental psychology have a special
category for those in their late 20s and early 30s. Whereas the early
to mid-20s are seen as a time to establish one's mode of living, the
late 20s to early 30s are often considered a period of reappraisal. In
a society where people marry and have children young, where financial
burdens accumulate early, and where job markets are inflexible, such
appraisals may not last long. But when people manage to remain free of
financial or family burdens, and where the perceived opportunities for
alternative careers are many, the reappraisal is likely to be strong.

   Among no social group is this more true than the modern,
International, professional elite: that tribe of young bankers,
lawyers, consultants and managers for whom financial, familial,
personal, corporate and (increasingly) national ties have become
irrelevant. Often they grew up in one country, were educated in
another, and are now working in a third.
They are independent, well paid, and enriched by experiences that many
of their parents could only dream of. Yet, by their late 20s, many
carry a sense of disappointment: that for all their opportunities,
freedoms and achievements, life has not delivered quite what they had
hoped. At the heart of this disillusionment lies a new attitude
towards work.
The idea has grown up, in recent years, that work should not be just a
means to an end a way to make money, support a family, or gain social
prestige but should provide a rich and fulfilling experience in and of
itself. Jobs are no longer just jobs; they are lifestyle options.
Recruiters at financial companies, consultancies and law firms have
promoted this conception of work. Job advertisements promise
challenge, wide experiences, opportunities for travel and relentless
personal development.
Michael is a 33-year-old management consultant who has bought into
this vision of late-20th century work. Intelligent and well-educated -
with three degrees, including a doctorate - he works in Munich, and
has a "stable, long-distance relationship" with a woman living in
California. He takes 140 flights a year and works an average of 80
hours a week. Some weeks he works more than 100 hours.

   When asked if he likes his job, he will say: "I enjoy what I'm
doing in terms of the intellectual challenges." Although he earns a
lot, he doesn't spend much. He rents a small apartment, though he is
rarely there, and has accumulated very few possessions. He justifies
the long hours not in terms of wealth-acquisition, but solely as part
of a "learning experience".
This attitude to work has several interesting implications, mostly to
do with the shifting balance between work and non-work, employment and
leisure. Because fulfilling and engrossing work - the sort that is
thought to provide the most intense learning experience - often
requires long hours or captivates the imagination for long periods of
time, it is easy to slip into the idea that the converse is also true:
that just by working long hours, one is also engaging in fulfilling
and engrossing work. This leads to the popular fallacy that you can
measure the value of your job (and, therefore, the amount you are
learning from it) by the amount of time you spend on it. And,
incidentally, when a premium is placed on learning rather than
earning, people are particularly susceptible to this form of
self-deceit.

   Thus, whereas in the past, when people in their 20s or 30s spoke
disparagingly about nine-to-five jobs it was invariably because they
were seen as too routine, too unimaginative, or too bourgeois. Now, it
is simply because they don't contain enough hours.

   Young professionals have not suddenly developed a distaste for
leisure, but they have solidly bought into the belief that a 45-hour
week necessarily signifies an unfulfilling job. Jane, a 29-year-old
corporate lawyer who works in the City of London, tells a story about
working on a deal with another lawyer, a young man in his early 30s.
At about 3am, he leant over the boardroom desk and said: "Isn't this
great? This is when I really love my job." What most struck her about
the remark was that the work was irrelevant (she says it was actually
rather boring); her colleague simply liked the idea of working late.
"It's as though he was validated, or making his life important by
this," she says.

   Unfortunately, when people can convince themselves that all they
need do in order to lead fulfilled and happy lives is to work long
hours, they can quickly start to lose reasons for their existence. As
they start to think of their employment as a lifestyle, fulfilling and
rewarding of itself - and in which the reward is proportional to hours
worked - people rapidly begin to substitute work for other aspects of
their lives.

   Michael, the management consultant, is a good example of this
phenomenon. He is prepared to trade (his word) not just goods and time
for the experience afforded by his work, but also a substantial
measure of commitment in his personal relationships. In a few months,
he is being transferred to San Francisco, where he will move in with
his girlfriend. But he's not sure that living the same house is
actually going to change the amount of time he spends on his
relationship. "Once I move over, my time involvement on my
relationship will not change significantly. My job takes up most of my
time and pretty much dominates what I do, when, where and how I do
it," he says. Moreover, the reluctance to commit time to a
relationship because they are learning so much, and having such an
intense and fulfilling time at work is compounded, for some young
professionals, by a reluctance to have a long-term relationship at
all.

   Today, by the time someone reaches 30, they could easily have had
three or four jobs in as many different cities - which is not, as it
is often portrayed, a function of an insecure global job-market, but
of choice. Robert is 30 years old. He has three degrees and has worked
on three continents. He is currently working for the United Nations in
Geneva. For him, the most significant deterrent when deciding whether
to enter into a relationship is the likely transient nature of the
rest of his life. "What is the point in investing all this emotional
energy and exposing myself in a relationship, if I am leaving in two
months, or if I do not know what I am doing next year?" he says.

   Such is the character of the modern, international professional, at
least throughout his or her 20s. Spare time, goods and relationships,
these are all willingly traded for the exigencies of work. Nothing is
valued so highly as accumulated experience. Nothing is neglected so
much as commitment. With this work ethic - or perhaps one should call
it a "professional development ethic" - becoming so powerful, the
globally mobile generation now in its late 20s and early 30s has
garnered considerable professional success. At what point, though,
does the experience-seeking end?

   Kathryn is a successful American academic, 29, who bucked the trend
of her generation: she recently turned her life round for someone
else. She moved to the UK, specifically, to be with a man, a decision
that she says few of her contemporaries understood. "We're not meant
to say: 'I made this decision for this person. Today, you're meant to
do things for yourself. If you're willing to make sacrifices for
others - especially if you're a woman - that's seen as a kind of
weakness. I wonder, though, is doing things for yourself really
empowerment, or is liberty a kind of trap?" she says.

   For many, it is a trap that is difficult to break out of, not least
because they are so caught up in a culture of professional
development. And spoilt for choice, some like the American Rhodes
Scholar no doubt become paralysed by their opportunities, unable to do
much else in their lives, because they are so determined not to let a
single one of their chances slip. If that means minimal personal
commitments well into their 30s, so be it. "Loneliness is better than
boredom" is Jane's philosophy.

   And, although she knows "a lot of professional single women who
would give it all up if they met a rich man to marry", she remains far
more concerned herself about finding fulfillment at work. "I am
constantly questioning whether I am doing the right thing here," she
says. "There's an eternal search for a more challenging and satisfying
option, a better lifestyle. You always feel you're not doing the right
thing always feel as if you should be striving for another goal," she
says.

   Jane, Michael, Robert and Kathryn grew up as part of a generation
with fewer social constraints determining their futures than has been
true for probably any other generation in history. They were taught at
school that when they grew up they could "do anything", "be anything".
It was an idea that was reinforced by popular culture, in films, books
and television.
The notion that one can do anything is clearly liberating. But life
without constraints has also proved a recipe for endless searching,
endless questioning of aspirations. It has made this generation
obsessed with self-development and determined, for as long as
possible, to minimise personal commitments in order to maximise the
options open to them. One might see this as a sign of extended
adolescence.

   Eventually, they will be forced to realise that living is as much
about closing possibilities as it is about creating them.

Career advice I hold close to

Hi Tu,
I am glad you are seeking advice from different people.

My opinion is that it’s pretty hard to plan a career. I have friends who’ve wanted to be IBankers or top consultants, and it hasn’t happened. VC’s been pretty hard to get into.  I don’t know how one gets into VC. I think some get in through IB experience---and that industry is in dust. Then those get in from having run companies themselves.

I think the key is this. If Vietnam is where you are committed, then go live there soon. Or if you need skills to be developed, then live elsewhere, but make sure the business is focused on Vietnam.  Where you live is where you will gain insights, meet people and understand opportunities. There are many many ways to contribute to your country other than through VC.  You might want to join the government. Setting good policies will have a much better effect at this stage. You won’t make lots of money compared to VC, but you’ll do more. My friend Kathy Lai from United World College is Deputy CEO of Enterprise International Singapore, used to be called the Trade Development Board. She isn’t rich, but she helps Singapore a ton more than commercial people.

If you want to head to being a VC, or in technology, then you must gain technical and domain expertise skills to start with.  Consulting is good, and you’ll have to suck up to the long hours. But as you discovered, what made your consulting not so fun was working by yourself and in front of a computer. Rule one of a successful career, look for a place with mentors, with people ahead of you whom you can learn from.

Some companies are reknown for excellence---join these. Unilever, Goldman, McKinsey, Johnson and Johnson, Toyota. Of course, they may not get you to VC (but then again, I don’t’ know how to do that.)

I don’t advocate planning for a career. I advocate planning to 1) Live near,at where you heart and mission is, 2) developing yourself by way of domain expertise, 3) increasing your own emotional and psychological intelligence, 4) build real, reliable and diverse relationships---this goes beyond mere networking, 5)find a life mate who respects you, wants you to grow, isn’t afraid of your power. The partnership you form with that life mate will determine your impact, your wealth and your happiness. I think #5 is the wild card.

Best,
Leng

On Happiness

Despite being positive at heart and usually exuding a calm take in high-stress environments, I have never found myself satisfied.  There are still so many things I believe should be somehow better.

Over the past few months after graduation, it is interesting that the concept of "happiness" has been refined in my mind.  Innocently enough, in college and earlier, I equated happiness with any fun and happy feeling.  Later, as my life tried and reflected, happiness is the equanimity, the peace with oneself, others, and the world.  It is the reassurance feeling of one's worth and one's company of trustworthy and loving communities.  We and our loved ones may not always bring laughters to each other;  yet, we are there for each other, supporting each other on our journey of responding, sailing, fighting against, failing, and succeeding with life's calls.

At present though, I struggle with the disparity between my seemingly clear life goals and what it is that I really want.  If making impacts on high school students is one of the immediate goals, why is it that I refrain from giving my students those inspiring messages that pretty much all mentors have told me: it is for sure that we can find a job to support ourselves, yet it is our challenge to both do that and create some changes that improve the lives of a few others, if not many.


One student asked me why the way I chose my major in college has more to do with what I can do for others than what the major can offer to me.  I just gave her a smile.  Deep inside, I know I'm not doing this right.  I'll change.

Another student talked to me about wanting to create his mark in life and not standing behind others.  I supported and yet, still gave him these puzzling and melancholic thoughts on why is it that we have to race with others and how it may be just as happy and liberating to follow one's own ideals and interests, not the world's.  As we ended our conversation, I couldn't help but asking myself if I have just asked this young man to stop dreaming big and being ambitious.  Once more, I need to do this thing differently.


Another friend has money to start something.  His goal is to make money even when he's already so wealthy.  Why is it that I cannot find the courage to tell him to explore social enterprising business models, rather than just enclosing ourselves within conventional businesses?

Another friend concluded that from now to our early 30s, he wanted to provide enough for his family first, and then will contribute.  I disagreed, but did not say anything, standing with my principle of respecting others' life choices.  Why is it that I forgot to tell him about the lesson on making it a habit to give our time to others starting even when we don't have zillions yet, both because we may not survive until the day we see there is enough money, and also, if small giving is not practiced, big giving could be hard to realized, or realized yet with the risk of not understanding the people, the situations, not building new solutions.



It could be because in the environment that I'm living in, striving to make a living, or, to believe that one's life standard can be ensured, if not better than the *average *, is the common vibe.  I was afraid that if I tell my students otherwise, not that they will be called crazy by their parents, but that they will become disappointed once they enter the world.

It could be because me myself is ambivalent on how one can make real difference in this society.  If I don't see clearly how I am realizing my goals of impacts and still getting wealthy, who am I to tell my students to consider that path when there is simpler, less risky, and more approved (hence, easier) paths for them?  Being a teacher and a counselor has required me to give decisive and one-sided statements, too many to the point that I'm uncomfortable.  I could analyze different perspectives to students and parents;  yet, at the end of the day, they want a definite answer.  I did look for these definite keys from KB and KT a few years ago but at present, I feel I'm unequipped in life experiences to give the counseling.  I could give out words but I want the words to be more helpful that they are now, to be both pragmatic and idealist.

I want to share these stories with friends and yet at the same time, I'm afraid that my thoughts are irrelevant to them, most of whom at this stage of our lives (early 20s, fresh grads), want to focus on ourselves and our own careers first.  Plus, I would appear overly self-centered and self-righteous, both of which is not my real intentions.  But I never know, it could be my unconscious habits.

Being a teacher is the last thing I ever thought of.  The job just came to me exactly a few months ago.  I always loved being on stage, acting, and improvising.  I know the job is incompatible to my personality: it produces results very slowly.  And when it does, the results are only on a level of countable numbers of students.  But it should not be any more different than being a lab assistant at first working on who-knows-how-many-tedious-procedures, or being in a first-year corporate job unable to make powerful decisions.  Clearly, college didn't teach me to be patient and take a long time horizon with my career =p



One very special someone asked me why I like VN so much.  Truth be told, beside my family, there's not really anything that I prefer in VN more than in Hong Kong, Singapore, unexplored Asian cities, or California, Boston, New York, etc.  I hold different loves and could explore little corners and people in each place to enjoy myself.  What entices me to HCMC is less accurate than what motivates me: it's where I can best leverage my network and resources to build a tangible business.

Or, there's just no rational reason to my motivation...  since it just feels right that I'm here at this moment (ie. this year) - it's like when we are with the right person, we wouldn't ask why we don't choose to go with others, even when everyone's equally nice :)

Life outside of the office

***

I wept while catching this little boy sitting outside of my office. He begged me to buy his cakes (banh cam). I did not have money with me and so couldn't do anything. It's not about me feeling guilty or fortunate, as I had neither of those feelings. I felt mad at myself, for not working on education for these children and for not making direct impacts in their lives. Excuses keep coming up. But I had a short life expectancy for myself, what I do in my work is not as important to me as what the result of my work will do to help me and others. As I swirl through life in my current and future chapters, when I have enough money to live independently, I will do much more. For now, sorry little Tu, I have no recommendations for you for what to do.

***

It rained really hard. I asked:
- Can you really have business with this weather?
- Yeah, only the taxis can.
And he left in the rain.
(my conversation with my xe om's driver)
Oh! I just realized how much of a risk-taker I am for leaving my life to different strangers every day (i.e. taking xe om) but oh well, I guess you can say the same for taxis or any other public transport.

***

I teach English to my little nephew these days. He is smart and the joy I see in his eyes when he learns and speaks new words makes me so happy.

These days, I sometimes sleep on the same bed with my sister and my nephew (yah, 3 people). Sometimes I get so tired after work and just pass out on the bed when I enter my sister's room. The 2 poor young people don't even wanna wake me up and choose to sleep on the floor instead. I kiss them good night everyday. They are so dearingly loving of me. As I'm writing this blog, my nephew bringing me banh trung thu told me: you must eat so you won't become under/mal-nultritious :D cause you work so hard and don't eat. awww... (no worries, I eat and sleep a lot!)